Twilight

★★

The stars of Twilight thwart Stephanie Meyers' attempt to
take her story back.

Cards on the table - I'm a fan of the Twilight series. The books, the movies, the mass shrieking hysteria, all of it. I have a friend who chooses to pretend this piece of my personality doesn't exist, lest it cause a rift between our wonderful intellectual persons. But, friendship be damned, I get it. 

I've heard this series referred to as several things. "The story of a girl's struggle to choose between bestiality and necrophilia", Interview with the Vampire: The D-Bag Chronicles, etc. I've also heard Edward Cullen referred to as Queen of the Damned. Which, I admit, is kind of funny. But, as far as the story goes, there's a deeper meaning. Shades of Mormonism are completely founded, and the entire saga can be boiled down to a message about keeping your virginity until marriage. No matter how hot Edward Cullen is. 

And he is.

It'd be hard to talk about this film, pretending it hasn't become a bit of a cultural punchline. The boys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 even took a swing at it, to hilarious effect. But, I'll attempt to discuss this as the film that it is, and as if it stood on its own. 

As adaptations go, it isn't the most deft book-to-film translation out there. It's no Kubrick v King, but to call it a fair handle would be a stretch. Some films take artistic license, and some films take it too far. This, sadly, falls in the latter category. I'll reiterate that I'm a fan, but I'll also mention that I'm a Kristen Stewart fan and hopefully you can see the connection. I'm on Team Bella.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the story, outside of the Team Edward and Team Jacob fluff, here's the rundown. Bella (Kristen Stewart) moves to Forks, WA to live with her dad Charlie (Billy Burke). She runs into old childhood friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and meets a few new friends at school. Including the Cullen family. Most importantly, Edward (Robert Pattinson). He's a vampire, and he's immediately attracted to her, her to him, except that he's a vampire. So, he'll probably kill her if he stays too close and...

actually, boiled down to basic plot points, the story really is quite plain. It's all about the metaphor for Mormonism and virginity, I think. That's what has kept me interested over the last few years. 

On a technical level, the film is fairly impressive. The atmosphere of Forks, WA - the overcast, perfect place for vampires to live as they can't go out into the sun, town - is handled quite well, with the film being shot in hazy blue and grey tones. Unfortunately, the screenplay and direction halt the entire production. Near clinically insane, Catherine Hardwicke admittedly didn't put much thought into the film as she didn't think it would become such a giant success. We can see why she got fired from the sequel, can't we?

The performances are something to behold. Whether that's a positive or a negative statement is up to you. I, however, stand completely divided on the subject. I love the way Pattinson and Stewart play Edward and Bella. But, the rest of the cast, immune to criticism is Billy Burke, hams it up beyond belief. Bella's high school friends, one of whom is played by now Oscar nominee Anna Kendrick, aren't believable in the slightest, and Taylor Lautner seems like he's on peyote for most of the production. 

I think the most unfortunate thing about this film, as much as I enjoy it as a relaxer from time to time, is that even though the fans recognized that the production quality as it relates to the book is pretty damn bad, it was still a huge success. I could equate that complaint and stick it to the audiences, but I'm blaming Catherine Hardwicke for it. Mostly because I'm still not over Red Riding Hood yet. And my hatred for that film seems to consume me when this woman comes up. Oops. 

Red Riding Hood

Bella and Edward look on...

I grew up wanting this film. Not this film, strictly speaking, but what this film could have been. I've often said that the most important part of film criticism is to not judge what could have been, but what is, and simply that. I know that I was a fan of the fairy tale from a young age, even to this day. And I know that the film I always wanted to see what more The Ghost and the Darkness (a truly terrific and terrifying film) and less Twilight (which I enjoy, for what it's worth). But, what we got was Twilight and not The Ghost and the Darkness. 

What sets them apart is this - Red Riding Hood could have been a film about a wolf hunt, about the strength of family, and a feminist's wet dream. Red Riding Hood wound up being a film about a teenage love story between an outsider and the pretty girl, and a whodunit about a werewolf. Careful distinction - Little Red Riding Hood is almost exactly like the former, and Catherine Hardwicke's version is exactly like the latter. Remember that Catherine Hardwicke gave us the first Twilight. She almost ruined that, and she did ruin this. Beyond repair. 

More after the cut --

In Theaters This Weekend

Back in full swing. Finger is healed. All is right with the world. Except, of course, that Catherine Hardwicke has released another film.

The week we've experienced has been met with tragedy, and a sense of hopefulness the world over. The earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan has left families across the globe fearful and worried for those they can't contact, and it's important for all of us to realize the fragility of human life. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, them, and theirs.

In San Francisco, local news kept saying, and I mean kept saying that "this isn't like the movies". Personally, I'm a bit offended by those remarks. As someone whose life is completely inundated with film and effects and stories of tragedy brought to us by the silver screen, I find it redundant and psychologically fanatical to remind your viewers that they are watching something real. I hope, and fully believe, that we as a people have the intelligence to distinguish a film like 2012 from a real life disaster that claimed real lives. In all fairness, this reporter wasn't speaking to me personally, but to me as a collective viewer. A child might not understand the difference. But, a 24 year old with a high school diploma who works in the real world and who is effected by the real world everyday certainly would. Any of us over the age of ten presumably would. Obviously, I don't expect any sort of apology, but I do expect more care and candor from any sort of news team. Less callousness and condescension, in effect.

That's all I have to say about that.

More after the cut --